Log in

Asthmatic feline...

I know that it has been some time since  posted anything on my blog - but I have been ill.  An ill cat is a pitiful animal, I am an asthmatic cat which is even worse.

I got an injection yesterday which SHOULD make me feel well for a few weeks.  This might stop my human mum/slave from worrying about me too much.

I will be back to write another post when I feel better.

I'm back - and now I am 4 years old.

It has been pretty warm lately and we have a whirly thing that sits in the living room.  It moves all the air around the room - but I want it just to blow cold air at me - and Merlin of course but she is too stupid to understand what the machine thing is for.  It is quite funny really as Merlin is a bit of an air-head ha ha!  ha ha! - my own jokes are better than anybody else's.

I have asked slave to help me create a proper website for "The Global Mews" but she keeps putting it off until she feels better and  more alert - cats only live about 14 years so she better hurry up.

I  got told off yesterday for guzzling my breakfast like a pig of a Labrador (?) yesterday - but I was totally innocent of the crime for it wasn't my breakfast I was eating fast it was Merlin's.  She hadn't come down for breakfast so after eating my breakfast I ate hers.  I think that slave was more annoyed about me barfing it all up on the top landing and then going on the mooch again. 

Better go - slave will be going to bed soon and it will be time for us to race around the house really fast making all the fierce cat sounds that we have in our vast vocabulary.

Ciao - meow!

Slave has been wandering around making really weird noises.  It must be some sort of plague, she moans that her ears are sore and her throat.  Don't know why she bothers telling Merlin and I we don't really care.  As long as cuddles and meals are supplied as and when we demand them nothing else matters.

Nice man, he has a cat, came up today to sort the noisy thing in the corner of the kitchen that heats the water and radiators.  The boiler stopped working but was fixed today - but he says that it is really really old and we need to consider getting a new one. I hope that she isn't expecting us to contribute to the cost buy us less sweeties or something.

We are off to watch CSI soon - I like it 'coz there is loads of flashing lights and sounds, Princess Merlin cuddles into slave and it is a sort of family gathering.  I have to wait until the adverts before I go to the litter tray - might miss something nice like a big tiger mauling some bad guy.

I have put another picture at the top of the post - you have to admit I am a really handsome chap - and pretty modest too if I say so myself.

It'll soon be my birthday

Merlin and I were born at the same time so we have the same birthday.  We will be four years old on the 29th of the month.  Slave buys us presents but nobody else does.   It is just so sad!

Not much been happening - slave has used that money stuff to buy software for my new site.  I am going to be running for the job as leader in the country (Scotland).  My pal Barack Obama will be making presidential visits to my wee country before long.  Lets face it I really can't be any worse at doing the job that the plonkers that are doing it in Westminster.  I wonder if there is already a cat living in Downing Street !!

Anyway I can't linger - slave is trying to cut our meals down to two per day - but if I start begging/pestering her now I might wear her down to the stage where she will feed me to shut me up.  Merlin is useless at begging - not vocal enough, to be honest she sounds like a girl - but then she IS a girl.

Bye for now


Things are looking better

I think that slave is feeling better - never tablets have maybe kicked in.  Not sure yet what depression is but people with it are hell to live with.

Human was cuddling me much earlier and asking me if I was okay.  It seems that I actually missed a meal this afternoon, must have been when I was sleeping in the cupboard in the main bedroom.  Needless to say Merlin ate all the jelly off the sachet of meat and left all the dried 'meat derivatives' for me to eat.

Human is being really, really cruel to Merlin and me - she puts the sachet of food down and leaves it.  She is not replacing it with another variety when I refuse to eat it (Merlin just agrees with me - a quick growl in her direction and she will agree to everything).

I might have to exist on the Iams dried complete food stuff that smells really awful.

Live is so hard for cats.


There is sunshine coming into our house and it has been great to lie and sleep in the warmth.  But as times like this I am really, really, glad that we are 'indoor' felines 'coz there is a nasty wind blowing.  I was sitting on the window ledge earlier watching the humans trying to fight the wind whilst keeping there street cred.  Us cats ALWAYS have street cred - humans were not born with the natural elegance and grace as us cats were.

Human is feeling depressed again, does she not realise that her wandering around looking peely wally and half zombified makes Merlin and me feel depressed.  It is hard to live with a human who is depressed - they stay in bed all day - getting up only for meals and visits to the room with the litter tray in it (humans don't actually use litter tray) - Wait - sorta sounds like me and Merlins normal daily routine !!  

Any way I think that she is feeling a little better.  She has been muttering about getting a puppy again - we just ignore her when she starts this type of anti-feline talk.  She knows that to get a puppy when she has no garden is a stupid idea.  She prays each week to the Lottery God.

Merlin is awake, she always wakes up crying - and lies there with a bad dose of bed hair and eyes looking totally vacant and confused.

Must go ....................... Human is heading towards the cupboard where the cat food is kept.

(picture is of Merlin)

I nearly starved to death

It took me 40 minutes to get slave out of her bed this morning.  It was almost twenty past four before I got my first breakfast.  She swatted me away and growled at me but I had to stand my ground and insist that we be fed.  Now she is moaning about me chasing Merlin up and down the stairs - she says that it is stil the middle of the night.  It is almost five!

Humans are such strange creatures.  If she would just obey my every demand things would be much simpler.

It's hard to be humble

Humans may not realise it but us cats are musical creatures.  When Merlin and I are trying to hurry our human along (when she is taking her time feeding us) we sing together.  I sing a few words and then Merlin and when we get really impatient we sing in unison.  Merlin has a really girly voice - sort of high pitched giggling.  My voice is deeper and quite insistent.  Our human sometimes snaps and tells us to "f**k off" or threatens to throttle us, but she is really a nice human and loves us loads and loads and she is way too fat and unfit to actually catch us too.

Anyway I have changed the words of this song to fit me.  There is a verse about having a girlfriend but it only reminds me that I have been deballed and I get all sad and stuff.  The original song is by some human called Mac Davis.  He was conceited - perfect cat-like quality.

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're purr-fect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day.
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a cat.

I guess you could say I'm a loner,
a tom cat tough and proud.
I could have lots of friends if I want to
but then I wouldn't stand out from the crowd.
Some folks say that I'm egotistical.
Hell, I don't even know what that means.
I think that it's 'coz I look like the cat 
that got all the yummy cream.


Women are dangerous creatures

I share my life with women (wimmin to us Scottish cats) and they are strange creatures.

My human is not too girly - she is built like a tank and not at all fragile.  She is bouncy when you jump on her - and she can be used as a mountain if you need some exercise.  She isn't able to work any more and this is good, it means that she doesn't have to get up early in the morning to go out.  She can play with us during the night and, more importantly, she can give us snacks 24/7.

Princess Merlin (see picture) is my sister and this makes her a lady cat.  I would know that she was a lady cat anyway as she has long hair and a mean temper.  She hits me.  She is shy about going to the litter tray.  Me - I am all man cat - I once went to the litter tray (in the bathroom) for a wee when we had a plumber in there doing some work.  But Merlin sits outside the toilet crying even if it just me watching birds outside the window from my vantage point on the top shelf.  I actually have to curtail my favourite hobby and leave the bathroom so that she can have a little time alone to do whatever girl cats do in the litter tray.

But Merlin is nice - she lets me eat her food.  All I need is to growl at her and she backs off.  Some times I put my paw in her bowl so that she can't reach her food.  She has to eat the Iams stuff - which is no where as nice as the meat in jelly.

I am off up stairs now to see what I can do to annoy Merlin.  I have to be alert though - she has beat me up a few times - totally unprovoked attacks!  Women!

New President in USA

As a cat I don't actively read newspapers, I find that humans  get themselves into all sorts of trouble and most are incredibly stupid or greedy.  Reading about all their antics in a newspaper makes me feel even more superior that I already am.  All cats are superior to humans but some are more superior than the rest.

Whilst sleeping on a newspaper during the week I caught a look at this Barack Obama guy - he looks like a nice guy.  In fact my human Uncle - Andrew - likes him and praises him highly.  Andrew does not praise many people highly and certainly not politicians.    Anyway - the dude looks okay.

He is like me - bit black, bit white and has a nice personality and big lugs.  Wonder if he is castrated too!

I have little or no interest in such matters, but my US Cat brethren need to know that their future is in good hands.  Come to think of it I believe that my human mentioned that they are 'allergy issues' in the family.  How can anybody be allergic to cats, dogs maybe (nasty smelly and slobbering animals) but not one of us cats.  He should get a hairless cat - it could be the "First Feline".  Gawd those hairless things are ugly - yuck. 

I am off to mooch some sweets off human and think up a topic for my next column entry.